Copy Cat

"Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

– Steve Jobs

I totally stole the above quote from D.A.R.

It's a much nicer, wholesome version of my personal mantra that I stole from someone else (I don't remember where:

"Quite whining-make life your bitch"

Now for some seriousness. We all know that my work situation has been less than ideal. My old hospital, if you were selected to orient a new nurse or precept a student nurse, you were first required to attend a preceptorship class. (my current hospital has such a class, however it's only offered maybe two or three times as year...I assume this as the next class isn't until OCTOBER.)

And, I hate to make comparisons, but yet again at my old place of employment your nurse manager or leadership would highly encourage and then push for you to sign up for a charge nurse class.

To learn how to become a charge nurse. Then, you would train with the charge nurse for a few days. And then be charge nurse on your own with some assistance before being let on your own.

Here, again, not so much. I don't even know if there is such a class. But Monday afternoon I was somehow designated in a charge like role, and then on Tuesday I was told by the house supervisor:

"Nurse Director said that you were going to be charge, so I'm not asking, I'm telling you what I was told. You're going to be charge." (and then proceeded to tell me she would hold my hand as needed for the rest of the day.)

So, with an orientee and six patients, I had to take the charge role.

And at one point I had a breakdown at work.

The lady who will One Day Take The Nurse Manager Role (it was announced in January, yet here we are in April and they still won't let her take the job) kept saying to me, "Why don't you want to do this? You're doing great." She then proceeded to give me her favorite cookies that she received on her weekend flight with Delta. She was saving them for herself or her nephew but decided to give them to me for "doing such a great job."

I felt like I should sit, beg, and shake paws.

Why don't I want the charge role:

1. I have six patients.

2. I'm orienting a new nurse.

3. I am still not familiar with hospital policies.

4. I am not sure how to best make assignments.

5. Having just received ACLS certification 4 months ago, I do not feel comfortable running a code.

On both Monday night and Tuesday night I woke up in the middle of night in a panic, tossing turning, and crying hysterically so that I had to leave the bedroom and sleep/cry in a different room to not wake up my husband and hope that a different room would help me sleep.

Wednesday morning I went to a yoga class, and this morning I attended the "yoga for meditation class.' Not sure if I"m suffering from panic attacks, but clearly the point of all this is that

Something Must Change

and

I am the director, the conductor, the author, the coach.

So in the meantime, applications have been submitted, fingers are crossed.

This chapter needs to end.